Shaping Our Children's View of Marriage: Discipling Them to Become and Choose God's Best

Bruno Borges, Ph.D.

Some young adults choose a spouse after a few months of dating because "it just feels right." Others rely almost exclusively on chemistry, shared interests, physical attraction, or emotional compatibility. Some spend countless hours reading online relationship advice, listening to influencers, searching through dating apps, or comparing their relationships to carefully curated social media posts. Even within the church, many parents have adopted the unspoken belief that choosing a spouse is a deeply personal decision into which they should offer little more than encouragement and perhaps an opinion if asked. The result is that many Christian sons and daughters enter one of the most significant covenant relationships of their lives having received years of discipleship about academics, athletics, finances, and careers, but very little intentional discipleship regarding marriage.

The irony is striking. Scripture presents marriage as one of God's primary means of sanctification and kingdom advancement, yet many Christian families treat the process of choosing a spouse as though it were almost entirely an individual pursuit. We would never encourage our children to choose a church, a theological framework, or even a career without wisdom, counsel, and guidance. Yet when it comes to marriage; a covenant that will profoundly shape every aspect of life, we often step back, believing that parental involvement is somehow inappropriate. Genesis 24 invites us to reconsider that assumption.

The longest chapter in Genesis is not devoted to creation, the flood, or Abraham's greatest acts of faith. Instead, Moses dedicates sixty-seven verses to the account of finding a wife for Isaac. This alone should cause us to pause. The narrative is not primarily about romance but about covenant continuity. Abraham understands that God's promise cannot move forward unless Isaac marries a woman who shares the covenant faith and possesses the character necessary to become the next matriarch of God's covenant family. Far from portraying parental involvement as controlling or manipulative, Genesis 24 presents it as an expression of faithful discipleship under God's providential care.¹

Abraham's first concern is remarkably different from what often dominates conversations about marriage today. He does not ask whether the young woman is beautiful, wealthy, educated, or socially connected. His greatest concern is that Isaac not marry a Canaanite woman because the Canaanites represented a culture devoted to idolatry and moral corruption (Gen. 24:3). This prohibition was never about ethnicity. Throughout Scripture, God graciously welcomes people from every nation who place their faith in Him. Rahab, Ruth, and many others become part of the covenant story. The concern was always spiritual allegiance rather than racial identity.² Abraham understood that marriage is never merely the union of two people; it is the joining of two systems of worship.

This should fundamentally reshape the questions Christian parents teach their children to ask. Modern dating culture often encourages young adults to prioritize attraction, personality, career ambitions, financial security, or emotional compatibility. While these are not insignificant, Genesis reminds us that the first question should always concern spiritual direction. Does this person genuinely love Christ? Are they pursuing holiness? Will they encourage greater faithfulness to God, or gradually draw your child toward compromise? Parents disciple their children every time they communicate what truly matters. If appearance, success, and chemistry consistently dominate family conversations, those become the lenses through which children evaluate potential spouses. If spiritual maturity consistently receives first priority, children begin to develop biblical discernment rather than merely cultural preferences.

Equally significant is the servant's remarkable prayer. Standing beside the well, he does not ask God to reveal the most attractive young woman or the one from the wealthiest family. Instead, he asks God to identify the woman through extraordinary hospitality and generosity. At first glance, Rebekah's willingness to draw water appears to be a simple act of kindness. Yet the text reveals something much deeper. Ten thirsty camels could easily consume well over two hundred gallons of water, meaning Rebekah likely made dozens of exhausting trips to the well. Her actions revealed diligence, humility, initiative, perseverance, and a servant's heart long before anyone knew she might become Isaac's wife.³

This is a needed corrective for Christian parents. One of our greatest responsibilities is teaching our children to evaluate character rather than chemistry. Chemistry may explain why two people enjoy spending time together, but character determines whether they can faithfully endure suffering, forgive one another, raise children, steward resources, and remain faithful through decades of covenant life. Personality attracts. Character sustains. Rebekah was not chosen because she impressed the servant with charm or beauty, though Scripture acknowledges her beauty. She was recognized because her life already displayed the virtues consistent with God's covenant people.

The narrative also demonstrates something profoundly comforting for anxious parents. Before the servant devises a strategy or begins interviewing families, he prays. Throughout the chapter, the repeated emphasis is not on human ingenuity but on divine providence. The servant repeatedly acknowledges that "the LORD has led me." Genesis 24 contains no dramatic miracles, no visions, and no audible voice from heaven. Instead, God quietly orchestrates ordinary circumstances (travel, conversations, hospitality, timing, and willing hearts) to accomplish His covenant purposes.⁴ The chapter reminds parents that while they bear responsibility to disciple their children faithfully, they are never responsible for controlling outcomes. The God who guided Abraham's servant continues to guide His people through His unseen providence.

Perhaps the greatest challenge Genesis 24 presents to contemporary Western culture is its balanced view of parental involvement. Abraham is neither absent nor authoritarian. He neither shrugs his shoulders and says, "Isaac can do whatever he wants," nor does he personally dictate every detail of the decision. He establishes biblical convictions, commissions a trusted servant, bathes the process in prayer, and trusts God to direct the outcome. Even Rebekah is asked directly whether she is willing to leave with the servant, and she freely responds, "I will go" (Gen. 24:58). Her decision is genuine, but it has been shaped within the context of covenant community, family guidance, and God's providential leading.

This model stands in stark contrast to much of today's thinking. Our culture often assumes that parental involvement in the marriage process necessarily undermines personal freedom. Scripture presents a far richer vision. Wise parents do not choose their children's spouses, but neither do they abandon their children to navigate one of life's most consequential decisions alone. Instead, they disciple their children's desires, teach them biblical priorities, model covenant faithfulness, ask difficult questions, and provide loving counsel long before wedding plans are ever discussed.

Perhaps the most overlooked lesson of Genesis 24 is that Abraham was not simply searching for the right wife; he had spent decades raising the right husband. Christian parents sometimes become consumed with helping their children "find the right person" while neglecting the equally important task of helping them become the right person. Isaac's future marriage depended not only on Rebekah's character but also on the man Abraham had been forming throughout his life. Our responsibility, therefore, is not merely to help our sons identify godly wives or our daughters recognize godly husbands. It is to shape sons who will love sacrificially like Christ and daughters who joyfully embrace lives of covenant faithfulness. The greatest gift parents can offer their children's future marriages is not better dating advice but deeper discipleship.

Genesis 24 ultimately invites parents to exchange anxiety for faithful stewardship. We cannot guarantee whom our children will marry, nor should we attempt to manipulate every relationship they experience. But we can intentionally disciple their understanding of marriage from childhood onward. We can teach them that marriage is fundamentally about worship before it is about romance, about covenant before compatibility, and about God's kingdom before personal fulfillment. When our desires become aligned with God's purposes, we discover that the same God who faithfully provided a covenant wife for Isaac remains fully capable of directing the lives of our sons and daughters today. Our task is not to replace His providence but to participate faithfully in it through intentional discipleship. In doing so, we prepare our children not merely to find someone they love, but to enter a covenant that reflects the glory of the God who designed marriage in the first place.

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1. Gordon J. Wenham, Genesis 16–50, Word Biblical Commentary, vol. 2 (Dallas: Word Books, 1994), 128–53.

2. Victor P. Hamilton, The Book of Genesis: Chapters 18–50, New International Commentary on the Old Testament (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1995), 137–60.

3. Bruce K. Waltke, Genesis: A Commentary (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2001), 328–36.

4. Kenneth A. Mathews, Genesis 11:27–50:26, New American Commentary, vol. 1B (Nashville: B&H, 2005), 344–72.